MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE

CHRIS BEEBY, STEPHANIE ZEIER AND HENRY

Chris Beeby had no idea he would ever be a stay at home dad. Then Chris, 47, and his partner Stephanie Zeier, 45, both found themselves unemployed. Stephanie managed to secure a full time job first as a nurse and it seemed logical for Chris, who had previously worked in retail, to stay at home and look after their young son Henry.

“It was simply a matter of who got a job first and what would be best for the family. I had already learned a great deal as for the first months of Henry’s life we shared the parenting role. But there are still hurdles to overcome with anybody looking after a child on their own. I didn’t really know what to expect but I did find it extremely tiring as at 16 months old Henry took all my attention all of the time. There certainly wasn’t very much ‘me’ time!”

Now that Henry is five years old Chris says one of the challenges he experiences is debating aspects of Harry Potter books with his young son:

“When I’m talking to Henry I try my best to see things from his point of view and if I am wrong about something accept I have made a mistake. For example recently he was right about the name of a Harry Potter character and I was wrong,” he laughs.

Chris says one difficulty the Christchurch based couple has faced was the lack of government help with regards to childcare when one parent decides to stay at home as opposed to both parents working. Finding time out during the week both for himself and to catch up on chores proved difficult when Henry was younger so even though money was tight the decision was made to pay for Henry to go into creche for a few hours a week. In order to break the routine of being a stay at home dad Chris says he also made a point of going out of the house and visiting people to gain some much-needed adult conversation.

“Financially it has been difficult and we’ve had to cut down on things such as holidays, car travel and phone calls. But both creche and visiting people have given Henry extra stimulation and developed his confidence in dealing with both adults and other children.”

Although obviously a real talker when he feels at ease Chris is also inherently shy. He says one aspect he has found daunting was the lack of other stay at home dads for support. This meant he has had to learn to chat to other mothers about aspects of parenting.

“It’s hard for a man to do that and it took real perseverance on my part to [go up to other mothers and] start talking to them. But I have now made a whole new group of ‘mum’ friends.”

One thing Chris has found vital is ensuring Stephanie gets the opportunity to bond with Henry when she comes home from work.

“It’s very important to bring the person who is working full time back into the picture. When Stephanie comes home we always have hugs and cuddles for Henry, a game that Henry chooses then mummy’s choice – which may be that Stephanie wants to talk to me and have some ‘couple space’. This gives us the chance to get together as a unit and for Henry to give me and Stephanie some time to catch up.” Chris says being a stay at home dad has also given him the opportunity to indulge his passion for making sculptures and jewellery – something he plans to pursue and develop further now that Henry has started school. Contributing to Henry’s environment in whatever way he can has also been important to this dad. Chris was vice president of the creche his son attended and now that Henry has just started school Chris already takes a remedial reading class and helps with lost property:

“I have the tenderest of feelings for Henry. They started when he was born and have just kept on growing. There is definitely a wrench when your child starts school. I was ready to have more time to myself but it was also hard to trust other people to look after him.”

ROBERT NAIRN, RACHAEL PICKLES, MITCHELL AND EMMA

When Robert Nairn takes his children Mitchell, 4, and Emma, 3, into his old workplace he gets the usual oohs and aahhs – and also a ribbing.

“My workmates call me ‘housewife’ but it’s great fun being with the kids all day, I don’t think they know what they are missing out on. Most of the fathers I know only see their kids for two or three hours a day whereas it is unusual if I don’t see mine for two or three hours. Seeing them learn to walk, talk and develop has been a great journey,” says the quietly spoken 31 year old.

Even before his partner Rachael Pickles, 32, became pregnant with their first child it was decided Robert would be staying at home to look after the children. It was a matter of economics – as a nurse Rachael’s earning capacity exceeded that of her partner who had worked in retail.

Today at their Christchurch house a messy mound of yellow playdough sits on the coffee table and a few broken crackers litter the floor. Emma is playing dollies while Mitchell is sitting on the couch – upside down. None of this seems to stress Robert out too much.

“Our house seems to have shrunk as they’ve got older with two extra little people around and all their bits and pieces everywhere. But it’s not that difficult a job to be honest. Anyone that says otherwise is just wanting sympathy I think,” he smiles.

Although he appears fairly laid back, since becoming a stay at home dad Robert says he has had to become a planner. Meals are all decided at the beginning of the week and a menu drawn up. Similarly a housework schedule is strictly adhered to.

“It sounds awfully organised but that way I know when I go to the supermarket what I need to buy and it makes shopping cheaper and easier. That way at 5pm I’m not peering in the pantry scratching my head wondering what on earth I’m going to cook for tea.”

Changing nappies and late night feeds made for a long day when the children were younger. Now Robert joins in with the other mums helping out play centre – painting, singing, making play dough sculptures, playing in the sandpit and pushing swings. Through play centre Robert has also come into contact with a couple of other stay at home dads, which has provided some support.

As any parent knows staying at home all day can be isolating. In between giving birth to the two children Rachael was at home which allowed Robert to train in web design and computer building. These skills have enabled him to take on the odd job giving him an interest outside the house. It is something he hopes to build into a full time business when Emma and Mitchell both start school.

“I love them both and at times the feelings are overwhelming. It makes me feel really great and I take a bit of pride when I see how good they’ve turned out.”

WARREN AND MILALONA HEAPS, KARL, JASON AND MARK.

When I visit Warren Heaps at his Auckland home 15-month-old Mark should still be having his nap – but he’s not. Instead he is energetically toddling around the house all under the watchful gaze of his dad. “That’s the way of it – things don’t always go as planned,” smiles Warren.

Mark’s brothers Jason, 6, and Karl, 9 are plonked down in front of the telly watching cartoons. Conversation is punctuated with commands from Warren such as “turn the TV down please” and “don’t chase Mark around in case he trips love” proving men can indeed multi-task.

This is Warren’s second marriage and second time as a dad. When his first family was young Warren was working long hours as the main breadwinner and so wasn’t able to be as involved with his kids during the week, as he would have liked to be. Now he is more than happy to take over household and childcare duties while his wife Milalona works in a rest home full time.

“I was made redundant and because of my age it was easier for Milalona to get a job. I saw there was a need for one of us to stay at home and because I missed out on a lot of good quality time with my first family I didn’t mind [being a stay at home dad].”

Although Milalona typically starts work at 3pm till late at night, Warren still takes over the main household duties including getting the kids up in the morning, fed and off to school. When they get home he is the one helping with homework, preparing the evening meal and answering any awkward questions.

“I can remember Karl asking me how he got into his mum’s stomach. I told him it was by a seed. I thought I had got off easy but Karl thought for a while and then he asked how that seed got there,” laughs Warren.

Because there is a sizeable age difference between the couple – Warren is 55 and Milalona is 37 – this has led to some misunderstandings at times.

“I remember taking the children along to play centre for the first time, I was the only dad there. All the mothers looked at me then finally one woman came over and said ‘I’ve been delegated to ask you - are you the grandad or are you the dad?’”

Because Warren had difficulty getting satisfactory access to his children when his first marriage broke up he has been a passionate advocate for fathers. In 1998 Warren started up the Separated Fathers Support Trust to provide assistance for separated fathers. The trust has also just started the only official retreat house for fathers in New Zealand.

“I feel often men are not acknowledged for the contribution they make to their children’s upbringing. I think it is valuable that both parent’s spend time with their children.”

Warren’s role as a stay at home dad has been complicated by his health. Warren has suffered from Guillain-Barre Syndrome, an inflammatory disorder of the peripheral nerves characterised by the rapid onset of weakness and often paralysis of the legs, arms, breathing muscles and face. This has left Warren with certain permanent physical limitations. While he can’t participate in certain sporting activities he has made outdoor activities such as camping and tramping favourite ways to spend time with his sons.

Warren thinks it is also vital that his family bonds as a unit so when Karl and Jason come home after school the first thing they must do is to go and say hello to Mark and spend some time with their brother. According to Warren Karl is now a dab hand at changing Mark’s nappies.

With a tear in his eye Warren talks about how he lost Graham, one of his sons from his first marriage, in a tragic waterskiing accident. Warren sees this as a prime example of why fathers should spend every minute with their children that they can.

“It broke my heart losing Graham so these kids have helped to replace a lot of that loss. They even have some of the same facial features as Graham. I’m just so happy to have the family I feel I missed out on the first time around. There’s only one thing I wish - that I was a bit younger so I could keep up with them!”